The first family holiday without a loved one…
A holiday you face for the first time without the person you were used to celebrating it with is almost always a very particular experience. Even if the loss didn’t happen recently, these days can make their absence feel especially clear. And everyone lives through this in their own way. Sometimes everything around reminds you:
• who usually sat where
• what they used to say
• the jokes, small rituals and familiar habits
• who raised the first toast, who made the salad, who called the relatives
And at some point it becomes clear:
the holiday is the same - but now it’s different.
You may feel that any joy is “not quite real”, or that you don’t really have the right to it.
There may be anger.
Or guilt because you laughed.
Or shame because you cried.
Or exhaustion from the idea that you’re supposed to “feel something in a certain way”.
Sometimes you may want to disappear.
Sometimes - cancel everything.
Sometimes - pretend nothing has changed.
All of this is a completely normal reaction
to a situation that isn’t normal at all.
When you read words like these, or listen to others during difficult times, it happens differently:
sometimes something resonates - and sometimes it doesn’t at all.
After reading, you might think:
• “This isn’t about me.”
• “This doesn’t feel right for me right now.”
And that’s a valid response.
It may also be the other way around:
a phrase might stay with you,
an example might feel possible,
or a thought might bring just a little more room to breathe.
Not because you “should”,
but simply because it matches the place you’re in right now.
It’s important to remember: nothing here is obligatory.
You can take one idea, all of them - or none at all.
What follows is not instruction and not advice,
but possibilities - things that sometimes help people get through the first holiday without someone they love.
You’re free to choose, combine, postpone - or ignore them completely.
The first holiday without a loved one: possible supports
When the first holiday without someone dear is approaching, worry is a very understandable reaction:
“How am I going to get through this?
What can I do so it doesn’t become even harder - for me or for others?”
There’s no universal answer.
But there are things that sometimes help.
Not as rules - but as options.
You can read them and quietly think:
“This isn’t for me.”
And that will also be a valid choice.
1. Support through choice
Sometimes a bit of relief begins with a simple thought:
I’m allowed to choose.
You can:
• celebrate - or not celebrate
• be with family - or be on your own
• keep traditions - or change them
• change your mind at the very last moment
Even if things “were always done this way” before - now they may be different.
Choice is not weakness.
And not betrayal.
It’s just a way to move through a difficult day a little more gently.
2. Support through agreements
In families, people often grieve differently -
and that can add tension.
Sometimes it’s not about fully understanding each other.
Sometimes it helps simply to agree on a few small things, for example:
• “Let’s skip the toasts this year.”
• “If anyone feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to step out for a bit.”
• “Let’s say in advance that everyone can do this day in their own way.”
These agreements won’t remove the pain -
but they may reduce the number of extra hurts.
3. Support through changing the format
Sometimes it’s not the holiday itself that helps -
but changing how it happens.
For some people it feels easier if:
• the celebration is shorter
• it happens at a different time of day
• a few familiar elements are left out
• it takes place somewhere new
This doesn’t reduce the meaning of the date.
It simply makes it a little more bearable.
4. Support through a small personal ritual
A ritual isn’t about “how it should be”.
It’s about what helps.
For someone it might be:
• lighting a candle
• saying their name out loud
• placing a photo nearby
• cooking a familiar dish
• writing a few words
• leaving an empty place at the table
• taking a quiet walk alone
A ritual doesn’t have to be visible to others.
Sometimes it exists only for you -
and that’s enough.
5. Support through the body and simple things
On days when emotions feel overwhelming,
you may not have the energy to work through your feelings.
Sometimes small, simple care for the body helps -
just what’s available right now:
• eating something warm
• wrapping up in a blanket
• going for a short walk
• sleeping or simply lying down
• taking a shower
• spending some time in quiet
This doesn’t mean you’re turning away from your grief.
It’s simply a way to support yourself
when there’s already too much happening inside.
Your body is also part of your experience.
Taking care of it is, step by step,
a way of caring for yourself as a whole.
6. Support through the right not to “handle it beautifully”
Sometimes the holiday turns out awkward, heavy, or “not how it should be”.
Someone cries.
Someone gets irritated.
Someone goes silent.
That doesn’t mean you “failed”.
It means it was hard.
The first holiday doesn’t need to be managed perfectly.
Sometimes it’s enough simply to get through it.
7. Support through remembering that it won’t always feel like this
The way the first holiday feels
does not determine how it will always be.
Right now it may feel especially sharp.
Later, the shape of the pain may change.
With time, new ways appear
to stay connected with memory -
and with life.
Not because you forget.
But because the person remains within you,
and the pain slowly stops cutting into every memory in the same way.
Important
If even one small thing resonated -
that’s already enough.
If nothing resonated -
that’s also completely okay.
You do not have to:
• cope well
• be strong
• support others
• do things “the right way”
Sometimes the most reliable support
is simply allowing yourself to live this day
the way it turns out.
And that - is enough.
• what they used to say
• the jokes, small rituals and familiar habits
• who raised the first toast, who made the salad, who called the relatives
And at some point it becomes clear:
the holiday is the same - but now it’s different.
You may feel that any joy is “not quite real”, or that you don’t really have the right to it.
There may be anger.
Or guilt because you laughed.
Or shame because you cried.
Or exhaustion from the idea that you’re supposed to “feel something in a certain way”.
Sometimes you may want to disappear.
Sometimes - cancel everything.
Sometimes - pretend nothing has changed.
All of this is a completely normal reaction
to a situation that isn’t normal at all.
When you read words like these, or listen to others during difficult times, it happens differently:
sometimes something resonates - and sometimes it doesn’t at all.
After reading, you might think:
• “This isn’t about me.”
• “This doesn’t feel right for me right now.”
And that’s a valid response.
It may also be the other way around:
a phrase might stay with you,
an example might feel possible,
or a thought might bring just a little more room to breathe.
Not because you “should”,
but simply because it matches the place you’re in right now.
It’s important to remember: nothing here is obligatory.
You can take one idea, all of them - or none at all.
What follows is not instruction and not advice,
but possibilities - things that sometimes help people get through the first holiday without someone they love.
You’re free to choose, combine, postpone - or ignore them completely.
The first holiday without a loved one: possible supports
When the first holiday without someone dear is approaching, worry is a very understandable reaction:
“How am I going to get through this?
What can I do so it doesn’t become even harder - for me or for others?”
There’s no universal answer.
But there are things that sometimes help.
Not as rules - but as options.
You can read them and quietly think:
“This isn’t for me.”
And that will also be a valid choice.
1. Support through choice
Sometimes a bit of relief begins with a simple thought:
I’m allowed to choose.
You can:
• celebrate - or not celebrate
• be with family - or be on your own
• keep traditions - or change them
• change your mind at the very last moment
Even if things “were always done this way” before - now they may be different.
Choice is not weakness.
And not betrayal.
It’s just a way to move through a difficult day a little more gently.
2. Support through agreements
In families, people often grieve differently -
and that can add tension.
Sometimes it’s not about fully understanding each other.
Sometimes it helps simply to agree on a few small things, for example:
• “Let’s skip the toasts this year.”
• “If anyone feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to step out for a bit.”
• “Let’s say in advance that everyone can do this day in their own way.”
These agreements won’t remove the pain -
but they may reduce the number of extra hurts.
3. Support through changing the format
Sometimes it’s not the holiday itself that helps -
but changing how it happens.
For some people it feels easier if:
• the celebration is shorter
• it happens at a different time of day
• a few familiar elements are left out
• it takes place somewhere new
This doesn’t reduce the meaning of the date.
It simply makes it a little more bearable.
4. Support through a small personal ritual
A ritual isn’t about “how it should be”.
It’s about what helps.
For someone it might be:
• lighting a candle
• saying their name out loud
• placing a photo nearby
• cooking a familiar dish
• writing a few words
• leaving an empty place at the table
• taking a quiet walk alone
A ritual doesn’t have to be visible to others.
Sometimes it exists only for you -
and that’s enough.
5. Support through the body and simple things
On days when emotions feel overwhelming,
you may not have the energy to work through your feelings.
Sometimes small, simple care for the body helps -
just what’s available right now:
• eating something warm
• wrapping up in a blanket
• going for a short walk
• sleeping or simply lying down
• taking a shower
• spending some time in quiet
This doesn’t mean you’re turning away from your grief.
It’s simply a way to support yourself
when there’s already too much happening inside.
Your body is also part of your experience.
Taking care of it is, step by step,
a way of caring for yourself as a whole.
6. Support through the right not to “handle it beautifully”
Sometimes the holiday turns out awkward, heavy, or “not how it should be”.
Someone cries.
Someone gets irritated.
Someone goes silent.
That doesn’t mean you “failed”.
It means it was hard.
The first holiday doesn’t need to be managed perfectly.
Sometimes it’s enough simply to get through it.
7. Support through remembering that it won’t always feel like this
The way the first holiday feels
does not determine how it will always be.
Right now it may feel especially sharp.
Later, the shape of the pain may change.
With time, new ways appear
to stay connected with memory -
and with life.
Not because you forget.
But because the person remains within you,
and the pain slowly stops cutting into every memory in the same way.
Important
If even one small thing resonated -
that’s already enough.
If nothing resonated -
that’s also completely okay.
You do not have to:
• cope well
• be strong
• support others
• do things “the right way”
Sometimes the most reliable support
is simply allowing yourself to live this day
the way it turns out.
And that - is enough.